My relationship with God has been a love/hate relationship, crossed between being humbled and loathing him. I have spent much energy having expectations on Him. My expectations have lowered His value. When those expectations aren’t met, I get mad at Him and feel devalued and punished. But haven’t my expectations devalued Him? Expectations create and image, which is in itself a label. I learned from a friend when we label something, we limit it. When I look at a tree and say, “tree.” I’ve limited it. I say I look at God as limitless, but a lack of trust of his design for my life confine his prowess, for if I have expectation on his design for my life, I point his movement in this or that direction, putting the blinders on His Will exceeding those expectations. I suppose that since the expectations I put on Him then put blinders on myself for a possible dream He have for me that may be bigger than I have for myself. If that’s the case, then the reality is more likely that I put a devaluing limit on myself. All things possible through God as they say. But possibilities are limited when I’m not open to them when I’m limited by expectations. I would cuss God out on a daily basis for not meeting my expectations. Also, as people would not meet my expectations, I would cut them out of my life before they got the chance to hurt me. However, have I been there for myself truly? Have I not turned my back on myself through escapism? Have I not allowed myself to be human in facing myself and feeling my feelings? Have I not allowed others to be human in their fallibilities? Continuing to stand next to them, despite their short comings, like God has with me? Have I not allowed God to be God? Has forcing him into a box of my expectations only allowed me to fall short, or even more so fall from Grace to a point of being stripped of all things I put in His way? Has being unplugged from the Source and yet successfully Willing everything I had into existence only been allowed by His Grace? A Grace that was a reflection of His Love and Faith in me to find a true sense of pride in my existence with all in things Q.E.D. humility? But have I allowed the expectations I placed on others, society, and then of course God, my limited view shrinking more and more as people, places, things, God fall short of my limited view to the point where Grace no longer existed? I did. I fell into the dark. Ironically that darkness swirled around me so much in the perversion I willed to perceive so much that I had to let it all go and start anew. I was able to keep my job and some things, but I had to start over with a new perception of self and the world. A start with I don’t know. The reason I stayed out was denial. I refused to see the reality. I had everything but was spiritually empty. Expectations for myself were driven out of self-centered fear. Still being addicted to MORE in my sobriety, I wanted more because I was less, despite how hard my Higher Power tried to show me otherwise. I denied my feelings by drowning them in alcohol, drugs, food, working out, sex, what someone’s love would provide for me, thus the void persisted. If I let go, and allow God to take His all powerful, all encompassing, and all knowing form into my life, will I not become aware of a more powerful, more encompassing more knowing form of myself? Even then as I abandon my yesterday in all its glory, would I not become? I cannot become, if I never divert my eyes from what I am not, whether it be in a good light or dark. I can see all these things but I must embrace both. God is focused on me, and others. If God stayed focused on Himself, we wouldn’t be here. But it is through us He is loved and known. And he stays close despite falling short of our potential. I showed no grace or humility before the people that micro cut me, as I straight up decapitated them from my life. It’s no wonder I lost my way. Not knowing or loving God or others, drowning in my resentments, I saw no other choice but to proverbially step off the cliff and into oblivion. But even then, God was there; using my darkness against me, for my own good. I remained to pray. To be continued…..